MANIFESTO

The Party Hearty Manifesto 2007

AS YOU our fellow party people know, Party Hearty was the first party to publish its manifesto, Vision PlentyPlenty, our rich recipe for true Trinbagonian governance. It proved so popular with the people of TT, wehave had count less requests for copies. So today, in the interest of democratic politics, we re-print our“greenprint” for government for you free of charge. Party Hearty... whovex lorse.

Crime

The PH party will eliminate crime by having free block fetes in Laventille, Morvant, Diego Martin, Curepe, and anywhere where crime breaks out. Criminals  will be too busy having a good time to rob people, and since the fetes will be free, nobody will have money to be robbed of. We shall also deal with white-collar crime by making everybody wear Nehru shirts.

Education

The Political Leader of Party Heartypromises to appoint a close relative as Education Minister, once they have high self-esteem. Self-esteem classes will  become mandatory so that when 80 percent of children fail to get five passes; they can still feel good about themselves. Math classes shall be replaced by Waving classes, with emphasis on parabolas; English Language shall be replaced by Call and Response; and Science shall be replaced by Wining, which shall include the biology of hipbone torsion, the physics of jukking, and the chemistry of wet-down. We will convert the Diplomatic Centre into a megadancehall and every night we will throw adifferent musical/cultural theme fete, freefor all.

Office of the Attorney General

Party Hearty promises to appoint an AG who is not a lawyer and has no legal training whatsoever, except in applying for a bar licence. Our AG will have no friends in major corporations, political parties, or public restrooms, only in clubs and bars. He will also pass a law forbidding AGs to smirk while in Parliament. This sort of  facial contortion is contrary to the spirit of TT under PH.

Ministry of Legal Affairs

Because so many horns occur in fetes, PH feels there should be legislation coveringthis. However, we recognise that there must be limits. Thus, affairs will only be legal if both parties of the aforementioned party (or fete) are married. Moreover and heretounder, the said parties must not be marriedto each other, either formally or shackingup. If any individual decides to leave their legal partner to establish a long-term relationship with the party of the second part (also termed “de outside woman” or “ de Horner man”) then the affair shall not be deemed legal or even a thrill.

Planning and Development

Party Hearty supports planning and development and, as long as we are in power, we will plan for development. We will hire expert planners, who will make plans for planning, after which we will plan a planning meeting, at which we will develop  a plan for development. We will then ensure that the country develops, unless there are unexpected developments, which may keep back development.

Works and Transport

The first act of the PH Transport Minister will be to legalise all “ph” taxis. His (or her) second act will be to throw a party for all taxi-drivers, admission free to all drives,  once each of them brings ten persons to the fete. All roads will be built unevenly, so when people are driving home drunk the roads will seem flat. Action will be taken to prevent flooding; we aren’t sure what but it will involve numerous press releases and exasperated letters to the editor.

Economy

The PH will diversify the economy by investing in feteing. We shall ensure that there are fetes every day of the week, and three times on Saturdays. Our projections show that the foreign exchange earned from feteing will exceed that of natural gas, especially belching. The fete industry will also provide jobs for musicians, DJs, boom-box builders, vendors, and winer-girls.

Finance

The PH Political Leader will also be the Finance Minister, so she can whip her Ministers into shape — probably a square dance square. Allocations from the Finance Ministry will be made according to democratic wishes, depending on whether citizens prefer free fete, free cell-phone, or free KFC. A fund will also be set up for PH to spend State money at the end of five years on colourful ads boasting how well the country is being run, with another fund to run a PR campaign to convince citizens that this is not party campaigning using State funds.

Health

Party Hearty will immediately appoint fete promoters to the Medical Board, so that partygoers can fete without fear of illness. The five food groups shall be revised to show that a healthy Trini diet consists of corn soup, souse, hotdogs, hamburgers, and rum. Persons applying to study medicine shall only be admitted if they satisfy the following criteria: high grades, spiritual values.

Gender

Party Hearty supports gender. We think gender is a fantastic idea, which everyone should try to have. Anyone who wants to be a man will be given official support, including training in sooting. Anyone who wants to be a woman will be allowed to plead PMS if she maims or kills her spouse at that time of the month. Anyone who’s not sure of his or her gender will have a choice of free pink nail polish or Army boots. If you don’t have a gender, at least have an agenda to get a gender, we’ll wait. We also believe that it’s acceptable for anyone of any gender to lead PH, even those who haven’t chosen one yet.

Sport

Party Hearty supports sport, and will ensure that all citizens be given free keep fit  lessons so they could wine all night long and chip all day for Carnival. We all also ensure that every match is a fete match. We will lobby the Olympic Committee to make wining a competitive event, or a mandatory part of the opening ceremony.

Housing

Our party will not only provide affordable housing, but also ensure that every house is big enough to have a fete. We will do this by building every house with collapsible walls, so that any house can become a hall. Balloons and crepe paper will be given out with the keys. We guarantee  to build the most houses in areas where we need to pad our supporters, and to give out houses according to a lottery system once most of the applicants are PH supporters. 

Culture

All arts groups will receive funding to dance, sing, compose, and paint, once they compose songs about how wonderful the PH is and sing and dance while painting our logo everywhere. All calypsonians will be declared national heroes and all chutney singers will be awarded the non-Trinity Cross. Programmes will be introduced in schools to teach children how to appreciate culture, with emphasis on cultivating a snooty expression.

Youth

Since youth is wasted on the young, PartyHearty will introduce legislation to make old people young. This will immediately ensure that more people fete, fete, fete, hence improving the country’s money flow. It will also reduce heart attacks, strokes, and warts. Young people will be given the means to enjoy themselves, such as free Tickle-Me-Elmos for toddlers, free Gameboys for children, and free guns for teenagers. PH ends by noting that our manifesto is open to contributions from all members of PH and of the public. Additionally, politicians of other parties may use our ideas, but credit must be given to PH, as in the party, not the drivers.