Sudi, the Chimp, to contest Tunapuna/Piarco on PH ticket

Party Hearty's one-man "screening-committee" would like to formally announce that Sudi, the Chimp, will be contesting the corporation of Tunapuna/Piarco in the upcoming local government elections. (The list of aldermen is still to be finalized after negotiations with the spirits.)

Sudi is clearly the best candidate for the post. She has the kind of qualities we expect from a politician. She is as intelligent and has the mannerisms we have all come to know so well in our local politics: the fine oratory, the excellent debating skills and high-pitched screaming and grunting. The Chimp should transition from the Emperor Valley Zoo to the International Waterfront Centre with ease.

As a PH candidate, Sudi also has a certain je ne sais qua quality; the 'oomph' required for a true leader in this messy political business. She is also already suited to the task ahead and will fit right in with some of the veteran politicians, many of whom have long gone ape-sh*t.

Sudi the Chimp is also, clearly, capable of performing daring acts of tight-rope balancing and, most importantly, she knows how to escape from tricky situations. She will therefore be an invaluable parter in any partnership arrangement.

Furthermore, we also believe she will be the perfect foil to the ILP, for reasons which should be obvious.

PH notes, with triumph, that the COP political leader, and two-time acting prime minister, Prakash Ramadhar's failed to woo Sudi at his visit to the Emperor Valley Zoo last Tuesday. In a desperate bid to bolster membership, the COP, UNC, PNM and ILP have all been wooing animals in the zoo including Sudi, thinking her the kind of person they'd like to represent their ideals. But Sudi is smarter than all of them, knowing that PH is the party which will save the country from the dogs.

PH also takes this opportunity to note with alarm that all of the political parties are, in the coming days, announcing all 136 candidates for the local government districts across the 14 corporations. We have no doubt that 136 names X 3 parties will put the nation to sleep and, therefore, we are only announcing our intended 14 corporation heads. Details are to be ironed out (literally) in coming days.

PH will also like to announce that our aldermen lists will devised based solely on an eye-candy factor. Our ALL-THE-MEN eye-candy lists will be released at a later date. PH will keep the nation in suspense, pretending to be conducting negotiations with the afterlife, and then release out hotties just on the eve of the election, so look out for it soon ladies and gentlemen!

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END OF PRESS RELEASE

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Notes: LEARN more about Sudi here and here.

Statement from the political leader

Following is a statement issued this morning by Party Hearty political leader Suzanne Mills:

No bottomless pit from which to extract funds to fund a buy-election, Party Hearty in preparation for the local government elections, has decided to start a sou sou. (Not a sue, sue).

Our headquarters located online, the PH sou sou will be conducted via email, the funds deposited into a PayPal account controlled by our treasurer who every other week will disburse the collection to a different candidate. (Each of our candidates will represent a corporation.) The candidates will then use these monies to fund a fete campaign in the corporations on a rotational basis, so we can show our prospective constituents that when we win they will not party once in a blue moon, nor at the crack of lagahoo dawn, but at least two dozen times a year, at regular hours.

Nor will any of our members become a Jacakalantan, a mysterious light that appears and attracts people, misleading the unwary into desolate areas far away from their intended destinations before vanishing. We cannot swear though that there are no douens or soucouyant among us — our screening process is admittedly as lax as the mainstream parties, and many of our members come out only at dusk and during the night, on the pretext that they are working to bring out a newspaper.

Call us insane if you like for taking a risk conducting the sou sou via email — local spies and hackers abound — but we are hoping that any and all information stolen from our email communications and contributions will earn us a place in the national spotlight via a motion of no confidence in our ability to fund fetes every day of the week and three times on a Saturday as we have promised in our manifesto. But we will be immediately exposing the whistleblowers, as no party in TT can be a success without flags, rags and whistles. We wish we could offer the residents of our communities fetes on a more consistent basis as we have promised, but our party eschews acceptance of funds by financiers, principally we have had no offers and because our treasurer, having no access to the Treasury, has thus far been unable to diversify the economy by investing in feteing. However, we might consider accepting money handed out in brown paper bags, principally because these can be recycled.

We’d prefer the bags to be green-which has been PH’s colour for several years now, even if the colour has been co-opted recently by mocking pretenders despite the fact that we have repeatedly stated that politicians of other parties may use our “green print” for government, but we’ve asked that credit (as in acknowledgment and not bank account deposits) be given to PH. We would also like to take this opportunity to debunk the notion that we chose our colour because of its association with green cards or money. We are the original green party because we believe in creating the perfect environment for fetes and limes.

As leader of the party, until ousted by my deputies, essential to any fete in TT, I cannot promise either a feminine touch of restraint, decorum and dignity, which some expect of a woman leader, as PH believes in equal opportunity bacchanal, and touching, integral and natural to any fete, cannot be the sole domain of men.

Our party manifesto however, includes a gender policy because we believe that gender is a fantastic idea which everyone should try to have. But if you don’t have a gender, we ask that you have an agenda to get a gender, though we are patient and willing to wait. We also believe that it is acceptable for anyone of any gender to lead PH, even those who haven’t chosen one yet.

It is eventually our intention to create a PH Integrity Commission, as we see a major role for integrity in feteing and the head of this body will be a curry duck Commissioner who will rally citizens to party below the limbo bar which will be lowered on a weekly basis. However we realise that there must be limits for those wishing to lime in the Commission, and as we do not have any interest in conflict, we promise that our Ministry of Legal Affairs will draft legislation which prohibits the simultaneous participation of any member of the Commission in limbo and in other dance contests.

Finally we would like to promise that we will engage in no mud-slinging except at Jóuvert; and we would like to state for the record or record for the State, that we believe in the fundamental human right to celebrate birthday parties in any manner that the birthday boy or girl sees fit, as we find no sou sou to be complete without the icing on the cake.

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Footnote: I would like to thank CAL and bmobile for their immediate and courteous assistance last Friday.

PARTY HEARTY STATEMENT ON THE CHAGUANAS WEST BUY-ELECTION

Party Hearty will not contest 

In response to the overwhelming tide of support and queries from you, our beloved subjects, Party Hearty, would like to take this opportunity to break its deafening silence on the Chaguanas West buy-election and to state, once and for all, our reasons for not contesting the election.

But before we do this we would like to note, with alarm, that the former incumbent, a one Mr Jack Warner, has dared to co-opt the green colour of the Party Hearty legions for his so-called Independent Liberal Party (ILP). We say Mr Warner's blatant theft of our official colour goes far to prove that his new creature is indeed independent: independent of the ethics of proper ownership! Party Hearty would like to recommend that Mr Warner's party get a new look, such as stripes or polka dots.

Party Hearty is deep into its screening process for the upcoming Local Government elections and so - like the COP - we don't care what is going on in the Chaguanas West bye-election: we'd like to start fighting for local government seats now even as everybody else is focusing on this mother of all bye-elections. This is why, over the last few weeks, we have been tantalizingly unveiling our Local Government slate, including our candidates for the San Fernando City Corporation; Port-of-Spain City Corporation; the Sangre Grande Regional Corporation; and the Diego Martin Corporation. The COP's announcement on Sunday that it intends to fight for the Sando and Diego corporations was obviously a reaction to the great pressure our new candidates have been placing on the PP Government coalition.

In fact, our screening process is so advanced that we have managed to infiltrate the ranks of the PP Government. Remember that guy Rodger Samuel? (no, not Lincoln Douglas! The Arima MP- the one with the glasses? You know the guy you always mistake for Lincoln Douglas? THE Rodger Samuel? The preacher man!) Party Hearty would like to officially announce that Samuel has crossed the floor and will be joining our ranks. He is to resign his seat and go green. We are yet, however, to find a place for him within our Cabal.

Mudslinging: the BUY election scandal

Party Hearty will not let this opportunity  pass without issuing a few highly-libellous made-up allegations (hint hint Dr Rowley).

It has come to our attention that the newly-announced program by Food Production Minister Devant Maharaj to use seven new species of cassava and sweet potato is a nefarious and diabolical plot to scuttle the chances of the PNM candidate Avinod Mahabir. Though we are not in any way involved in the Chaguanas West bye-election, and hold no covert brief for any other political entity, we need to put our foot down for the sake of democracy! We understand sweet potatoes are being traded for yams, to the tune of MILLIONS. We also call on Maharaj to state, once and for all, WHERE THE SWEET POTATOS GONE?

Also we got a report from a "whistleblower" (who blew what else God alone knows) that one councillor, who shall remain unnamed, has been illegally stealing crates of lingerie and using the items to pass cocaine through customs through use of various moles, who are, in fact, PERSONS IN GOVERNANCE!!!!! We call on PERSONS IN GOVERNANCE to account for the millions siphoned and laundered through this diabolical operation once and for all. PERSONS IN GOVERNANCE!!!!!

Thank you and bye buy

Interim President of Party Hearty Cabal (ZONE 1)

(The Deputy Political Leader of Bacchanalian Affaires Andre Bagoo recused himself from this statement due to an interest in conflict)

Labour Day Message from the Political Leader

Dear Fellow Partiers,

I join you today in our shared misery as the nation commemorates Labour Day. More than three- score years ago, labourers fought - and even murdered several police men - to send a signal about the power of workers all over the land. But all I have to say now is shame on them! Their contribution to the nation has been the antithesis of what Party Hearty is all about.

As we gather on this mournful day, many of us doing so stale-drunk, let us recognise, instead, the contribution of those who did not labour. Let us remember those who, with their lightness of touch, were the true heros that forged the democracy we have today. That democracy is based on one fundamental principle: the right to party hearty! For this reason, no matter how many years pass, no matter what issues of pressing political intrigue and interest come to dominate the national debate - political rallies will always been about the free food, music and drink! And that is as it should be. For if music be the food of love, play on!

Today, in this winter of discontent, as we commorate Labour Day, I call upon those in power to do this: let us abolish the Labour Day holiday forthwith!

A Party Hearty administration would replace this holiday with Belabour Day, and we would belabour the point year after year: that point being that the nation needs nothing more now more than partying.

And so my fellow fetters, party on!

Our candidate for San Fernando Mayor - JAMES DASHWOOD

'The first thing that makes me unbeatable is that I am from Port-of-Spain.... So San Fernando people, get out there and spread the word. Your saviour is here.'

'Of course, anyone from "outside" will have to pay a toll to enter Sando.'

San Fernando men - and your women too - lend me your ear, I guess. I am here because of a rumour, heard at several watering holes, that Patrick is giving up his seat in Parliament to run for a seat on the San Fernado City Corporation. The talk from those in the know occupying various bar stools - some of them in need of a designated driver, and others hopeful women - is that Patrick is secretly seeking a back-door  to the Mayor-Ship, even though the workload will be far too much for him given his health troubles. Well if that does not get you running for a blue pill too, then take what you get. We can't let that happen can we? So, for the sake of Patrick, here I am.

What do I have to you offer? Thought you'd never ask. Well the first thing that makes me unbeatable is that I am from Port-of-Spain. PoS born and bred. That should be enough. I mean, I AM running in San Fernando. However, I feel a need to tell the people of this great town - sorry city! - some of my plans to make it the No. 1 city in the country. And the region too. The mayor of PoS makes that task simple. He has made a mess of the capital.

Together we can make San Fernando beautiful. To do that we must stay away from the PNM. We must dump the COP, the UNC, the PP. Your future, our future, lies with PARTY HEARTY, the political machine of the future, for want of a better term. Some of you may be thinking of giving the COP mayor (what's his name again?) a second chance. But to do what? To continue the in-house fighting? To send PP financiers to prison or on the campaign trail bad-mouthing fellow colleagues? With me and Party Hearty that will be a thing of the past. I will be in charge!

As mayor, pubs in San Fernando will open as long as they like. These days it's difficult to get people to work eight hours. If pub workers want to work whole night, I will let them. Customers can lime and drink on the sidewalks, park on both sides of the road. Wreckers will be outlawed. I will designate peeing zones - with special walls if necessary- so that people's properties will be protected from men with weak bladders. I will encourage the watering holes to to play their music loud, attracting patrons passing on the highways and byways, if the PP ever completes them. Sutton, Cipero and Coffee Streets will be made pedestrian areas from 6 pm to 6 am daily. Sundays will see the bars playing gospel music to encourage the religious minded to let their hair down - and whatever else they may be so minded to let down. Under my leadership, San Fernando will be party Central - in the South, if you get what I mean.

Of course, anyone from 'outside' will have to pay a toll to enter Sando. But they will be promised a great time. Anyone caught drinking and driving will also pay a toll to leave. More income will come from lowering the taxes on booze. Prices will go down and more booze will sell. And more 'hole' will open up for partying. The party will be ... well hearty. People from all over the country will flock to San Fernando, especially the suffering citizens of PoS. Once again they will find freedom - freedom to lime, freedom to park wihout fear of not finding their vehicles after spending their money to make the city richer. More than anything else, they will be free of that mayor.

And there will also be beach parties. Going into the water however will not be allowed - for the safety Party Hearty supporters. There will be no lifeguards. They have been demanding too much money for sitting whole day in the sun on the beach and enjoying the lovely sights. If the PP ever upgrades the waterfront that will be the ideal place for fun in the sun. But don't hold your breath. However, you can count on me to get it going when I am mayor.

So San Fernando people, get out there and spread the word. Your saviour is here. Let the sufferers in that once great capital city of PoS - it declined after I left - know they will be welcome to paty in San Fernando. They will be rid of their mayor, San Fernando will be free of Patrick and the PNM, what's his name at city hall and the COP, and the stumbling and bumbling PP. But they will have me. And oh yes, you will have PARTY HEARTY.  Next stop prime minister. The party now start.

Our candidate for Sangre Grande Regional Corporation: THE DRAGON

'We shall ensure that protected species like the leatherback turtle shall be protected. To this end, the Defence Force shall establish a presence in turtle nesting areas...'

I am simultaneously humbled and honoured that the Honourable Political Leader of Party Hearty has entrusted me to bring home the great local government body that is the Sangre Grande Regional Corporation.

For years this great institution has been treated with scant courtesy and utter contempt by the political parties which currently control and those which have done so in the past. I shall not detain you with their names, irrelevant as they are at this time because whenever the election bell rings the last thing anyone of them shall see is the tsunami of green that will sweep all of them away and into the Atlantic Ocean to their watery political graves where they will remain in damnation like Satan and his minions in John Milton's Paradise Lost.

Indeed, because we are contesting Sangre Grande - an area approximately 898.94 km, with lands blessed with flora, fauna and an abundance of natural potential all of which is green - it is a foregone conclusion that the only political party to give the people of Sangre Grande the best possible political representation at the local government level in the first instance is PARTY HEARTY.

As it's new representative the first order of the day is infrastructure. No more landslips and upgrades shall be done on all major and secondary roads into and out of the area. All bridges in this jurisdiction shall also be repaired. No longer shall the urban and rural areas which this corporation governs be as disconnected as they have been in the past. Feasibility studies shall be done immediately for a new water taxi terminal as well as new facilities for fishermen.

Fishermen together with farmers and their girlfriends shall be given what they need to carry out their trade to boost food production in Sangre Grande. Food which will be used to not only lower the country's massive food import bill but supply what I believe can be a thriving tourism industry once the right incentives are offered to hoteliers and guest houses in the area. There are already some good resorts in the area and I believe more can be encouraged to build in Sangre Grande giving tourists a green and serene environment in which to relax and enjoy the wonders of Sangre Grande. That being said eco tourism will be a major priority for Party Hearty in Sangre Grande.

We shall ensure that protected species like the leatherback turtle shall be protected. To this end, the Defence Force shall establish a presence in turtle nesting areas and shall be empowered to protect these gentle giants from any would be poachers without disturbing the turtles as they nest and then depart our shores. Persons found guilty of killing turtles, destroying their eggs and so on shall be slapped...............with a $20 million fine and be sentenced to life imprisonment in the Nariva Swamp.

I propose to build the Keshorn Walcott Sporting Academy in this jurisdiction to harness the potential of all future sportsmen and women in this area and use it as well as a mecca for sporting personalities and teams to hold regular training sessions here all year round. The instructors at this academy of course shall come from Cuba and the People's Republic of China in the first instance and they shall train a cadre of local professionals to eventually take over its operation.

There is much more I could say but I'll leave it for the campaign trail. So if you say what you mean put your X by the green the Party Hearty green on local government election day.

Our candidate for the POS City Corporation: LOWLEE

 

'I am not interested in petty party politics. As Mayor, one of my first acts, will be to run out all residents...' 

 

IT HAS been said that during the term of the incumbent, not once...not once has he ever stuck his neck out for someone, anyone from among the tens of thousands living and working within the precincts of the Port-of-Spain City Corporation. His excuse? He has no neck!
 

Well, I for one have plenty neck and thus with little fanfare I publicly announce my candidacy on a Party Hearty ticket for the 2013 Local Government Elections. I am not content with a mere councillorship. I am looking to be elected alderman and then Mayor of the capital of our great nation.
 

And while the incumbent is busy lea-sing or renting his opinions all over the place, all over radio and to any poor journalist unfortunate enough to chook a mic in his face, I will not knock the government over perceived sins which have left Port of Spain in a right royal mess.
 

I am not interested in petty party politics. As Mayor, one of my first acts, will be to run out all residents (especially the old ones, who obviously have an axe to grind against deafeningly loud wine and jook music and young gyul in skimpy outfit) along de Avenue and make that one big Party Hearty liming strip!!!
 

As your new Mayor, whenever tong floods during light to moderate drizzle, because of all of the rubbish thrown down the drains by members of the burgesses, instead of blaming “de govament” for the water, I will declare the city a - Swimming Only Zone (SOZ).
 

This way people will be allowed to swim in the flood waters of the SOZ to get to their destination. Thus, it will solve the problem of smog caused by so many vehicles in the capital and also reduce incidences of chronic non-communicable diseases such as diabetes and heart disease, since it has been well documented that swimming helps the cardiovascular system. Also, this competition to the Water Taxi Service will no doubt be a welcome development for those looking to improve that service.
 

As Mayor, TGIF will have real meaning in that all forms of labour - save and except for child-bearing labour - will be banned on Fridays. The weekend will start from 6 am on Friday and end at 6 am on Monday!!!! We can all party heartily until we either pass out, pass gas or pass the point of no return.
 

As you all well know, Party Hearty is an all inclusive entity, thus I would like to publicly call on Jack to give up his quest for Chaguanas West. Jack, you-en-see what this is doing to you? All this setta walking up and down Chaguanas go make yu get thin foot to go along with your thin skin. That is just one seat, Jack. I am offering you, if you be my running mate in this local government election, a more exalted seat — Deputy Mayor of the nation’s Capital.
 

All I ask, for this grand gesture, is for you Jack, to sponsor yuh boy’s campaign. Every dollar (whether Trini, US, or Fifa-preferred Swiss Franc) counts. Of course nothing in life is free.
 

If you join with me and abandon de pee-pee once and for all, I will give you all the green t-shirts you can ever dream of owning. I have an abundant supply of rich-green Party Hearty t-shirts. Green is definitely the way to go Jacko! (I note that the latest polls suggest Jack has a lead in Chaguanas West. Unfortunately, the same polls also say the PNM actually has a 13 per cent chance,  a clear indication that that poll is suspect!)
 

Having digressed somewhat, let me end by saying that my vision for Port of Spain when I become mayor is written down on some paper which I have in my proverbial back-pocket but I will only publicly divulge it’s rum-laced contents after the boss lady in the pee-pee announces the date for local government elections.
 

To the incumbent, I say good riddance and to my burgesses-in-waiting I say, put your ‘X’ next to the Party Hearty symbol on election day to ensure the kind of swaggerrific (sorry Bunji but I say it better than you) representation you all need and deserve. Let the partying begin!!!

Oh, and here's what I look like these days:

 

 

 

Presenting Party Hearty’s 2013 Local Government election slate!

Forget the other parties who are all still squabbling over which candidate is going to contest which area in the Local Government election. We’ve already got our candidates fixed!

A few of us got together in a rum shop the other day, sipped some Goldslager and Jagermeister shots, and “convened” the screening-committee meeting as per the party’s internal constitution. It was a short meeting, because one deputy (who shall Not bE Known to most of the general public) got really drunk, slapped up a member of The Children’s Authority (could you imagine our horror?) broke some glasses and then – to top it all off – refused to take a breath test. (His words: “Officer, can you see the light? I can!”)

Party Hearty today begins the unveiling of its 2013 Local Government Election slate. We start with the candidate for the Diego Martin Regional Corporation, Jaybee (aka Wappee).

Candidate for Diego Martin Regional Corporation: JAYBEE (aka WAPPEE)

 

'I eventually became a gambler, under the nickname of Wappee... I’m most suited to handle any complaints of my constituents – drink, gamble, write and party hearty.'

I’m the first to admit. I’ve been a “rogue element” in the media for the past 66 years. How come the police never caught up with me, is anybody’s guess.

I was fascinated, as a boy, about how the media operated. Some event happens today, and you’re reading about it in tomorrow’s paper. Now with the development of technology, the event is right there before your eyes on television.

No longer, people have to hustle home to listen to Lionel Seukeran, or Tubal Uriah Buzz Butler, or Norman Tang, Roy Joseph, or Albert Gomes on the Rediffusion box.

Fascinated by the lengthy and full reports on the broadsheet Port-of-Spain Gazette, or the Guardian. It was mostly about, what is now archaic – writing Shorthand.

Let’s back-track a bit.

From my early teens I developed from playing a chac-chac at the family home in Arouca. My aunt played the piano; another aunt played the guitar; my uncle sang, while my male cousin played the violin to complete the Babb’s band.

As a result, music also attracted me. I had a quiet wish that the talent my aunt displayed on the piano. My hope was that when she died, the talent would automatically transfer to me. But that did not happen. I had to learn it the hard way. From the home piano, I was elevated to the church organ, then elevated again to be choirmaster of a choir of about 30 persons. I was an organist for some 20 years. My friendship with cathedral organist, Prof. Alan Carr, helped me a lot with my music.

I also ran the gamut with a string of combos, featuring “JayBee and the Highlites” – playing music for people to fete and wine; then hustling to Arouca to be on the organ at 6 am. It was hectic, but I loved it.

I eventually became a gambler, under the nickname of “Wappee.” I would always hustle a wappee game in order to get 50 cents, so I could have gone to the cinema, and be comfortable in Pit with a mauby drink and a sandwich. By then I was real street smart.

My turning point in life came when  first I decided to dive into newspaper work, urged on by my late buddy, Stanislaus Mora. He hooked me up to the Gazette, where initially, I was a country correspondent, being paid the princely sum of one cent a line. Not that any story was more than 20 or 30 lines.

Six months later, when news got around I was a Shorthand whiz at around 150 words per minute, the Gazette then was seeking writers at 84 words per minute. The salary was $2.50 per week.

Initially, the job was a “shoo-in” for me. While at work I continued pursuing my Shorthand speed which got up to 200 words per minute. I worked at the Gazette for 10 years.

Shortly after Radio Guardian (610 Radio) was launched, and I became a radio news reporter.

As a prolific shorthand writer, I usually doubled between Radio Guardian and Trinidad Guardian newspaper.

On two occasions, through the courtesy of the US State Department, I was member of a Caribbean group of newsmen in the US, covering the presidential race of both John F. Kennedy, and Lyndon Baines Johnson.

Shortly after I returned from the US, I later joined the newly established local branch of the London Daily Mirror newspapers, during which I filled the roles of News Editor/Political Reporter/General Reporter.

Following closure of the Mirror, I returned to the Guardian, and it was then I was at the peak with my Shorthand writing ability. I was pushing at the time then to get close to Emily D. Smith’s world record of 300 words per minute. No sireeee, I got no further than 220 words per minute. I’ve been through a number of books. I must recall that I got some good training when the late Dr Eric Williams, on his entry into local politics. Any problem that confronted the then government, Williams would order – “set up a committee.” We Shorthand writers made some money – at the rate of ten cents per line. All of the Shorthand writers in Parliament were busy, hence they had to look for additional Shorthand writers from the private sector.

All through my working career, I will never forget the advice of my Shorthand teacher, Mrs. Gwendolyn Jordan-Elcock – “always trust your notes.” Ever since, that has never changed.

I experienced it through the years. Reporters who would use their tape-recorders, would often call, to seek corrections. It was simply because of a battery problem, or some other issue.

To cut a long story short, after spending some 33 years at the Guardian, I retired for one week-end, because by the following week I was in the midst of carpenters or joiners building desks and cupboards to get Newsday started. Since then I’ve been here.

Now doesn’t that tell you that I’m most suited to handle any complaints of my constituents – drink, gamble, write and party hearty.

 

 

 

 

Welcome to the headquarters of the Party Hearty

 

Read our Constitution here. Check out our election manifesto here. Visit our controversial Facebook page here. Take a look at our rebellions 'wing', the Parted Hearty or PHd, here.